Something hit me this morning as I thought more about communication and the small decisions we make around our conversations everyday.

I was thinking about how various conversations went with my children and wife the previous day.  My side of the conversations skewed toward the typical male tendency to be expedient and instructive vs. being empathetic.

I listened, sifted through the facts and what I thought I heard. That part is fine.

But then…. I provided solutions and and my (ahem) knowledge. I’d like to say ‘wisdom’ but I’m not so sure.

There’s nothing wrong with instruction. There’s nothing wrong with departing hard-earned insight to others, even my wife and children.

But if most conversations center on offering advice, then we’ll end up with a very different type of relationship than if I listen more and teach less. I can’t help but think that if my children and wife feel heard and cared for our in conversations that it would knit us much more closely together than if I continually try to instruct. One of those creates acceptance and intimacy, despite faults and struggles. The other creates the possibility that you need to heed my teaching before I will give you the ‘A’.

Here are some brainstormy suggestions to keep your side of the street clean and empathetic:

• Don’t try to instruct when instruction isn’t requested
• When you feel yourself a bit uncomfortable with the emotion of the situation, realize that ‘instruction’ is a way out, not a way deeper.
• If you find yourself thinking “They shouldn’t feel that way!!!” then shut your face because they do and they don’t want anyone telling them they’re wrong about it.
• Don’t even do the active listening thing where you drop ‘uh-huhs’ and ‘yesses’ the whole time. It’s like a tell-tale sign that you know you’re supposed to be listening and want the other person to think you’re listening but you’re really creating the outline for your response.
• Put your phone down (not directly related to this, but this is a brainstorm and if you have your phone out during a conversation put it down).
• Ask at least three rounds of questions before even thinking about giving advice.
• If something is burning in you to say, ask permission before dropping it on them.

I’d love to hear more suggestions. If you have them, drop them below.

A quick note: I’m not a professional therapist, counselor, coach, etc. I’m just a guy that observes as much as possible. Maybe too much. Take this advice with a grain of salt, but take notice of your interactions and figure out a way to make them better. No matter what.

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Resources:

Listen to Andy Stanley’s ever so practical (whether you’re a person of faith or not) series Me and My Big Mouth

Seek first to understand then be understood is one of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. If you’ve never read it, give it a shot.

Recently, one of my children asked me a simple question. I’m not sure if I want to share the situation here because it will make me look bad and petty.

The situation…

I was working on getting ready for bed, satisfying the needs of the child currently at level 11 on the grumpy meter, and fighting through a momentary lapse in kindness to my spouse over a broken glass cleanup project in our kitchen.

I’d been struggling with my asthma a bit more, so I ran downstairs to grab my inhaler and while I was back up in my twin boys’ bedroom, getting everybody ready to head to bed, one of my 9 year old twins said, “Dad, what’s that in your hand?”

My response – with more irritation than the question warranted, “Dude. It’s my inhaler. You’ve seen it a million times. You should know.” (scoffy harumph-type-of-noise after my quick, sharp answer before I walk out of the room).

Now you can say that is no big deal. You’ve been there. You, too, hate dumb questions from kids who should know the answer. Or you could say, “Hey man, give your kid a break. He’s just trying to connect with you and right now his method is ‘asking obvious questions.'”

The Post-Situation Reflection…

Some friends say I’m hard on myself to worry about little incidents like that because we all have them. I say that it’s important to reflect on the way we react or respond to people because patterns can easily develop.

What I realized is that maybe I should take a short pause in as many conversations as possible because my first reaction is not always the response I want to define the situation.

Do we want to be known for exasperated, quick ‘shoot you down to size’ responses to everybody?

Do we want to practice our sharp wit on those close to us to prove our points?

Do we want to “win” conversations or grow relationships?

Difficult Decisions Everyday

How we respond to people in our lives is one of the most difficult, group of micro-decisions we make everyday.

If we deconstruct each conversation, we realize our interactions are comprised of multiple decisions:

1. What we will say.
2. How we will say what we say.
3. Transparency vs. hedging.
4. Working hard to be understood vs. working hard to understand.
5. And a ton others.

We don’t naturally filter these decisions through what the loving thing to say is, what the wise thing to say is, or the thing that requires some amount of discipline.

Conversations move so swiftly and our hearts are not always in the right place to take a pause before our responses – or reactions.

The Solution

I’m not sure I have one. Sometimes, just being aware of the facts of the problem gives us some starting point to begin recognizing our issues around this when we have them.

• When we notice some regret after a conversation.
• When we notice some bit of “they deserved that” self-justification after a conversation.
• When we notice any other yuck feeling after a conversation.

We might be receiving clues that we’re not taking a moment to quickly filter our responses in an effort to build, empathize, and encourage vs. to win, defend, and tear down.

Like so many other things in life, it takes awareness and practice. Repeat. Awareness and practice. Repeat.

But it is worth the effort because our relationships are the most important things in our lives.

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For an additional resource on this topic, check out this series “Me and My Big Mouth” by Andy Stanley.

 If you know me personally, in real life, you are laughing at the title of this blog post.

You should. I’m not the picture of unmitigated discipline.

Neither am I the picture of choosing, every time, what love requires of me or the absolute wisest option.

Still, this third filter for decision making is an important third test for our choices.

Choosing unmitigated discipline isn’t nearly as inspiring as choosing the loving or wise thing to do, but should those two questions not clarify the decision, viewing your options through the lens of discipline might do the trick.

Sifting through a decision based on discipline can also give the freedom to choose the ‘undisciplined’ thing with some clarity of conscience.

If you have been eating well and exercising, but choose a bowl of ice cream because you have the freedom to do so – even if it isn’t the disciplined choice, you are still making an intentional choice. There’s something freeing about that.

Choosing based on discipline means that we are choosing based on our vision of our best selves.

That sounds woo-woo, but it’s true.

You choose to do the most disciplined thing because it’s good for you and in keeping with what’s best for you, your family, your friends, your employer, etc. That is a powerful practice over time.

Deciding in this manner makes you a person that people can depend on. And that’s important for those who depend on you because they can do so confidently.

And that, my friend, is a pretty big deal.

A quick final note: Don’t forget to use this filter along with the others! Choosing discipline every time might take you out of binds with love and wisdom.

Any of you ever get sucked into a Netflix vortex, lying in bed with the earbuds in the phone, binging on the latest crime drama or nostalgic sitcom?

Me neither.

If you have, though, one night might be okay, but string consecutive nights together and you realize that the media consumption isn’t worth the sleep deprivation.

Binging nightly on TV isn’t the wise thing to do.

Why?

Well… in light of your past experience (you know your work fails when you’ve tried to burn the candle at both ends), your current circumstances (you actually need to get up early to exercise because you’re becoming a dough ball), and your future hopes and dreams (perhaps reading a book and settling your mind before bed will serve your future self), binging on TV isn’t the wise thing to do.

Just like learning to do what love requires of you takes practice, so does learning to do the wise thing.

This second filter for decision-making helps us be more intentional and thoughtful vs. impulsive in our choices.

I highly recommend checking out Andy Stanley’s sermon series “Ask It” where he teases this idea of asking “What is the wise thing to do?”

He lays it out like this:

In light of…. 

1. Your past experience
2. Your current circumstances
3. Your future hopes and dreams….

What is the wise thing to do? 

Think about that. Use it for something as simple as what you will eat for lunch today.

Should you go for the burger and fries or the grilled chicken salad?

What does your past experience tell you how your body feels the second half of the day at work when you indulge in the burger and fries?

What do your current circumstances tell you? How’s the blood pressure? Where’s the weight? Do you have an important meeting this afternoon or are you just lounging around at home?

What do your future hopes and dreams require of you today? Are you working on becoming a healthier person 5 years from now and know that every meal is building a habit toward health or a habit toward maintenance medications?

The burger idea is silly, but you get the picture.

Apply it to any number of ideas today.

See how that question clarifies what you should do. Even when decisions seem similar and innocent.

Ask it.

 

Apparently, answering the question ‘what does love require of me?’ has been on my mind for a while.

It has been marinating on my brain enough that I’ve elevated the question to what I believe is one of the top three decision making filters we should use daily.

The question is easy enough to ask.

But it’s hard to answer. It’s hard to sift through the possible answers at any given moment to make a quick and clear decision.

Like most things in life, it’s a practice. It’s something we learn to do. It’s something that we suck at for a while before we starting getting the hang of it.

Does love require we spare feelings or speak the hard truth?

Does love require we serve someone or force them to do the work themselves?

Does love require we continue to help or take some time to rest?

Does love require we share our deeply held beliefs or keep our mouths shut so as not to offend?

The difficulty of the task only lends to the importance of it.

Today…

• When you see your difficult neighbor, what does love require of you?
• When your kiddos are more stressful than sweet, what does love require of you?
• When you think it’d be easier if you just do it yourself vs. allow someone else to stumble through, what does love require of you?
• When you get a twinge of jealousy, anger, bitterness, or resentment, what does love require of you?

A powerful and simple question.

A practice and a skill that takes a lifetime to master.

But don’t stop asking it: What does love require of me?