Simply in the Suburbs

Intentional Living in the Land of Distractions

Are You Taking Care of Yourself?

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are you taking care of yourself

Are you taking care of yourself?

Last night, I stood in front of the iPhone cases at Target for over an hour.  We’re upgrading our phones at a buy-one-get-one price through AT&T. It’s been 30 months.  I’ve cracked screens before and I’ve vowed never to let it happen again.

So… I spent an hour in front of those cases. Picking them up. Looking at them. Asking the Target electronics ‘expert’.  I read reviews on Google. I read reviews on Amazon. I texted friends for their opinions.

I bought two, went home, and scrolled through Amazon in bed and ordered a couple more to test.

We’ll take back what we don’t need.

Crazy how much time I put into picking out protection for my phone.

Crazier still is how little thought many of us spend in figuring out how to take care of ourselves.

We go out of our way to protect stuff that we’ll replace in a year or three but don’t intentionally decide what it means to take care of ourselves: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

You’ll have you with you for as long as you’ll be with you yet you (and I) take care of you with less intensity than you take care of something you’ll get tired of in 6 months. (repeat that 12 times)

  • Is our problem that we don’t cherish ourselves as much as we cherish our phones or other things?
  • Is our problem that we just assume that our own health will sort of take care of itself?
  • Is our problem that we just assume that we are how we are and there’s no sense in trying to improve in any way?
  • Is our problem that we don’t know where to start and haven’t taken a moment to sit down and make intentional decisions about what it means to tend to our own health?

Your first priority is yourself.

Before you get hot and bothered by that, hear me out.

I’m not saying that I am the most important person in the universe. I am saying that if I don’t tend to my own health, no one else will.  Over time, my usefulness to others and ability to enrich their lives will deteriorate.

To care about others requires that we first care about ourselves and are violently passionate about doing what it takes to make ourselves as healthy in all areas as possible.

You must identify your own health as a priority – a sustaining priority – that you give real, meaty time to each week.

It’s imperative that you figure out where you’re struggling.

  • Is it your physical health?
  • Is it your mental health?
  • Is it your spiritual health?

From there, implement habits and appointments with yourself (or others if needed) each week that honors this top priority.  If you need help identifying what habits you might need, feel free to drop me an email. I can at least give you a list to choose from.

I urge you to take time away from others. Schedule time for yourself:  read Scripture, pray, sleep a bit more, exercise, go see a therapist. Even if you have to sacrifice financially or hurt someone’s feelings. Put your own dang self on your own calendar and move yourself up your priority list.

You are much more precious than an iPhone.

Take care of yourself. You’re worth it and those around you depend on it.

What Sue in accounting will say at your funeral

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Waking up at 2am and not being able to go back to bed because you’re worried sick about a work situation = no fun.

I’ve been there. Occasionally, I still go there.

But being stuck in that place over long periods of time is no way to live.

Not only does it take a toll on your own health, but it begins to chip away at the health of your relationships.

I spoke with a friend who is in just such a place.  He’s in a job that carries extra stress with it. The strain is starting to get to him, and he wants to make sure it won’t have any repurcussions in more important areas of his life.

He’s made a decision to consider cutting back and moving into a role that will have less mental and emotional ‘creep’ into other areas in his life.

That’s a tough decision to make – especially if it means taking a step backwards financially or career-wise.  But it makes a lot of sense when you realize your marriage and children and other relational priorities are more important than vocational and financial priorities (we’ll discuss these some other day).

After nailing down our own sustaining priorities (see also previous emails/posts), the next thing to consider is relational priorities.

The problem with relational priorities is similar to the problem with sustaining priorities: They aren’t always urgent. Until they are.  All the sudden, you look up and you hardly know your spouse or kids. Or you all the sudden get a note from the doctor that you’re approaching Type-2 Diabetes or have all kinds of blockage around your heart.

Those voices aren’t the loudest voices until horrible events happen. The loudest voice and the most urgent demand on our time and energy is normally our job and career.

These demands crowd out our relational commitments.  “They’ll understand why I can’t get home on time. They get it that I have to answer this email at 9:30 at night.”

They might. That doesn’t mean they like it. And it doesn’t mean that you’re not making trade-offs you’ll regret some day. We consistently make the decision over and over, time after time, until we’ve built a life that says “Sue in accounting and her email is more important to respond to than you guys are”.

If you’re like me, then your goal is not to have a stream of clients and coworkers speaking at your funeral talking about how awesome you were at promptly responding to their requests and problems.

“Wow… Fred was so generous to take time away from his wife to spend hours of his time fixing our proposal. He was also so great at getting his expense report in on time!,” says Sue in accounting at your funeral.

Nope. That person won’t remember you did that at all.

On the other hand, if your kids remember that you turned work off and gave your full attention to them on a regular, consistent basis, then that is the stuff of a beautiful eulogy. That is how you have a group of grown kids and grandkids gathered around your bed during your final days.

Sorry to go there – the whole eulogy/death thing, but in the end, what do you want to show for your life?

A faint memory by a few people who remember you worked hard and were a prompt responder to emails?

Or do you want a house full of family and friends remembering that they held prime real estate on your priority list?

———————-

Go pick up this book if you need help digging through clutter and getting clarity around what are the most important things in your world right now:  Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown (affiliate link)

When you’re overwhelmed, you might be struggling with this…

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Few things feed garden variety overwhelm more than a lack of clarity.

Have you ever decided to tackle the ‘clean out the garage’ project? Or that closet? Or the basement? Or your email inbox?

It’s overwhelming isn’t it?

When I take on a project like that, I just stand and stare for a really long time with a sense of dread.

What am I going to do with all this stuff?

Then I take a deep breath, sit down, take one thing and decide what to do with that one thing: trash it, donate it, or store it more properly than randomly stacked up on top of other stuff because I was too lazy to put it away correctly 15 months ago.

Lack of clarity breeds overwhelm in our lives, too.

When we’re unclear on what is most important to us, we struggle handling all of our commitments. Better said, when we’re unclear on what is most important to us, we struggle handling all of the demands that come at us.

Some of these are our own commitments (that we made when we weren’t clear on our priorities). Some of these are demands others have made on us that we were too overwhelmed to say “No” to. Yes… when you’re overwhelmed, it’s more difficult to say “No” because you’re so unsure of what a good decision might be, so you just say “Yes” until you can have time to sift through things later. But you never get to it and your calendar piles up.

It’s the mental equivalent of stacking one more thing up in the corner of your garage to deal with later.

This is why it’s so, so, so important to get clarity on your true priorities.

Clear priorities provide you a decision filter.

You and I need a decision filter.  We need to be clear on the relationships, projects, and habits that are vital. The things we’ll regret not pouring ourselves into.

Get clear on those things, and the overwhelm will begin to subside.  You’ll recognize something that simply does not fit.

It’ll take practice – especially if you’re like me. A “Yes Man”.  Just learn to start asking the right questions (assuming you’re clear on the things that are most important).

Every time a new “opportunity” comes your way:

  1. Does this fit with my clear priorities?
  2. If I do this thing, will it rob time from other things that are much more important?
  3. If I do this thing, will it deplete my energy so that I cannot give my best self to the things that are most important to me?

Will you always have things that you have to do because you’re a human in a modern society? Of course.

But if you struggle with allowing things to pile up, you can greatly decrease this struggle by getting crystal clear on what is most important to you and forcing your commitments to fall into line.

You can do this.

Clarity, Vision, Action, Focus, Perseverance

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Clarity, Vision, Action, Focus, Perseverance.

Clarity: You must be clear on your priorities. What are the things most important to you? Can you write these things down?

Vision: What are your dreams for the things and people that are most important to you? Where you do you want to be this time next year? 3 years from now? 5 years from now? When you’re 80?

Action: Will you take intentional action to honor your clear priorities by moving toward the vision you have for them?

Focus: Can you say ‘no’ to the things that have nothing to do with moving your priorities toward your goals and dreams and vision?  Can you remove distractions?

Perseverance: You know this is a marathon, right? It’s not a sprint? You don’t take one time action. You don’t remove distractions once and they’re gone. You know the main priorities are priorities for a lifetime, right?

What’s important to you?

Where do you hope you’ll be in relation to that thing 5 years from now?

How are you going to get there?

What will trip you up if you’re not careful?

Are you prepared to pursue this thing over the long haul?

I’m with you. I’m working out my own things. Let’s get after these things together. 

Your influence does not depend on a resume

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I remember being at a retreat when I was a freshman in college. It was a student ministry (Campus Crusade for Christ), and I was the only guy from my school to show up.

The speaker talked about learning how to grow in your life of faith.

He talked about the armor of God and the shield of faith (Eph 6:13-17).

He said, “When you first use your shield, the thing is tiny.  It’s like the size of a quarter.  But when you use it, it grows.  Take a step of faith and ‘pop’ the shield grows a bit.  You take another step and ‘pop’ there it goes again. Bigger.Pretty soon, it’s a knight-sized shield.” (that’s a paraphrase because I’m 45, I was 19 then, and I didn’t take meticulous notes).

The same is true with influence.

Influence isn’t contingent on a resume – the real, earthy, day-to-day version of influence where the people you are closest to are the ones whose lives you can influence and encourage.

Influence is dependent on your willingness to be an influence.

And your influence grows much the same way as faith grows. You use it and it grows. You don’t, and it remains tiny.

For example….

  • You say you’re going to do something and you do it: “Pop” – your influence grows.
  • You not only think encouraging thoughts but you take the time to write a note or walk up to someone and affirm their talent or decision or hard work: “Pop” – your influence grows.
  • You make the call that no one is willing to make and have the conversation that is difficult to have: “Pop” – your influence grows.

These things do not depend on your degree, your social status, or your title at the place you work.  You don’t have to be a pastor, teacher, CEO, or president of the HOA.

You simply have to be willing to exercise the ability to call out the good in others and to walk the path a bit further down the road than them.

It takes awareness, intentionality, and a desire to see things work out for good in others.

That’s influence. Use it. It’ll grow.

Bonus truth: it’ll grow like gangbusters if your goal isn’t necessarily to be ‘known as an influential person’ but to help ignite fires inside of those around you.

It’s Time to Grow Up

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We are no longer children, tossed here and there… -Eph 4:14

Do you ever let your kids drive the emotional temperature in your house?

It’s dress rehearsal week this week for a community theater production of School of Rock.  My daughter is in the cast, and she’s 10 years old.

If any of you have been involved with a community or high school theater production, you know what that last final week before the show’s opening look like (tech week for those in the biz).

Sleep deprivation.

Over 60 9-18 year-olds crammed together in close proximity, never being grumpy (I’m sure).

Hours of rehearsal with constant (yet gentle and appropriate) correction from production staff – this staff is also extremely encouraging. If you’re in the Atlanta area, I highly recommend getting involved if you’re children are into drama and musical theater (drop me a note and I’ll give you the 411).

Then we parents get them at the end of the evening.  And man, the emotions! They go from elation to deep sobbing to knowing everything way better than dear old dad as quickly as you can say Simply in the Suburbs.

I’m embarrassed to say that it gets under my skin.  I don’t lash out or yell, but I do trade snippy comments with snippy comments and let my innards get all twisted and upset, especially due to that thing when your kids will never just say, “Yes, papa, you are so right…. thank you for your insight and years of wisdom that you are now dispensing to me about how I should handle my interpersonal relationships and responses to teachers and others in authority.”

Rather, they look at you as if you were the dumbest, most ignorant human on earth.

I get hurt in my feelz and allow her sleep-deprived, stressed-out attitude to determine what’s going on up inside my heart and mind.

I get tossed to and fro, hither and yon.  I become another kid instead of the adult. I don’t set the tone, but respond to the tone being set by others.

These, my friend, are signs that I need to grow up more.

The short passage in Ephesians 4:11-16 is all about how God gifted individuals in the church to help each other grow up.  Yes, he’s telling us not to be ‘tossed here and there by every wind of doctrine”, but the whole context tells us that we shouldn’t be tossed to and fro, period.

We shouldn’t let our appetites and emotions drive us.  That’s what kids do, and one of our jobs as parents is to help them slowly work out of that.

The idea of influence is not a one-way street.  We get influenced and we influence others.

The question is, how do we handle the influences that are bombarding us?

Are we responding like a tennis practice backboard? We bounce back to others what our surroundings are serving up to us?

Or are we responding more reflectively? We get input, process it, and respond in a way that brings the temperature of the room down a few degrees?

The perfect picture is customer service calls. You’ve made the call to the customer service line where the rep starts off wanting to fight. It goes from bad to worse super quick.

Then you’ve made them where the rep obviously had some training. They take your frustration, respond in kindness and with a desire to help, and slowly your frustration turns from a boil to a simmer.

That is how I want to be, not only with my family, but at work and in my community and with anybody else I come to meet.

I want to be a person that brings peace. I want to influence any space I enter by bringing stress levels down, not because I’m Mr. Happy Pants, but because I am calm, trustworthy, and able to handle the emotions of a situation like an adult.

Waves will come. No doubt about it.

How will you and I respond?

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